It’s kind of like one of those age-old questions. Do we give our kids too much? As little ones, they “want want want” everything they see. As they get older their demands become a bit more polite, turning into “please please please!” Sometimes it’s hard to resist those cute, little dimples. And probably, more often than not, we give in because we’re sick and tired of hearing the begging.
I took my (now 10 year old) son school shopping last week. We picked up $80 worth of school supplies from a list that the school provided (thankfully, the backpack from last year still works), and then we headed to the mall. My son has recently decided that he’d like a say in what sorts of clothes he wears to school. The skinny jeans, shorts that are just the right length, certain brands of t-shirts, and kid-approved, Mom-makes-me-wear-these collared shirts were among our purchases. All were on sale for pretty good prices, and I was feeling pretty good about what I had spent. And then we moved on to purchase the fashionable item that my son cares about most: sneakers. He pleaded with me for a few minutes to buy some $90 Nike feather-light running shoes that “all of his friends have” (until the sales gal told him that they did not have his size), and then his heart fell onto these Reebok ReeZigs.
Upon first glance, I thought they were kind of ugly. They’re not understated in any sort of way, and they won’t exactly match a whole lot of outfits. But then he tried them on. He jogged around the store with such excitement and pride that I thought… I’m really going to have to consider these. They were on sale for $80. My husband happened to call on my cell phone at that very moment and told me not to buy our son $100 sneakers. I didn’t listen. I bought them anyways.
Reflecting upon my decision later that week, I came to the following conclusions to make myself feel better about this grand purchase for my 10 year old:
1. I had gotten all of his school clothes on sale for good prices.
2. He’s a runner, and these are supposed to be good running shoes.
3. I actually DID make him contribute $20 toward the purchase of the shoes.
When I admitted to my husband that I bought the shoes (that he requested I not purchase), I dissolved into tears. I explained that when I was a child I always wanted those “cool” shoes that other kids were wearing, and we were never able to get them. I wanted our son to have them. Perhaps I’ve sent the wrong message… he asked, I bought, and now I’m stuck with buying uber-expensive sneakers from here on out.
So what do you think…do we give our kids too much? Are you able to hold back and just give your kids what they need? Or do you fall into the trap of wanting your kids to have things you didn’t have as a child?
Also food for thought — those shoes are often expensive because they’re *good*. If you outfit your kids in good, quality shoes now, when they are young, I imagine that later on in life, they won’t develop problems with their feet. I wish I could go back and spend more money on my shoes when I was in my teens, so that I never would have developed plantar fasciitis in my 20s!
I feel your pain… I have plantars fasciitis right now (over- exercising!)
I am completely guilty of giving in. I fully realize that the “I never had…I always wanted…I was made fun of for not having” justification is flawed at best. Obviously I did not become a sociopath for being teased about not having the LA Gears that everyone else had, nor did I become some law-breaking miscreant that does not contribute to society in any productive way for lack of spending money as a tween. But I do remember the pain as if it were yesterday. So, I buy the Zig’s and Chuck Taylor’s and tees on sale at A&F. My son understands the value of a dollar, he contributes for most “frivolous” wants through chores and savings, and he is fully aware that there are many who are less fortunate and willingly donates his time, money and gently used playthings / clothing to charities all the time. So what’s a another $20 for a pair of sneakers when the kid is good and “gets it?” To me, it’s worth it and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I tell him he is spoiled, but there is a difference between being spoiled and a spoiled brat. As long as he remains on the right side of that line, we’re all good.
Agreed. I give in far too often- most of the time because I think all of those clothes and shoes, etc are cute and I love to see my son in them. We shop the sales (always), and he contributes as he can. My only hope is that he “gets it,” or that he’ll eventually get it!
Lori, I think you did a great thing making him contribute. It’s important that tbey realize that “money doesn’t grow on trees” and mom and dad aren’t going to foot (haha, no pun intended) the bill for everything they desire – they won’t appreciate what they are given. It’s not easy making these decisions as a parent because you really don’t want to be the bad guy, either, but in your position, I would have done the same thing.
Money doesn’t grow on trees? 😉
Great post! One I think we can all relate to.
I try to avoid spending more than I have to on my kids clothes, always buying only sale items and shopping around to find the best prices. Though I regret not being able to buy them whatever they want, I try to remind myself that it’s more important what I teach them than what I give them. If they are going to be able to survive in todays economy they need to learn to be frugal. It’s still hard to deny them things. I remember feeling like a lesser (uncool) person in school because my parents raised me the same way. In the long run, I think it makes us better people.
You did make him contribute, and that is *critical* to kids understanding and appreciation for what they have. My kids are 26, 20, 14, and 5- by my last one here, I’ve really come to realize the effect my parental emotions & peer pressure (even adult peer pressure), have contributed to the overall outcome of my children. As I said, they need to contribute. Saving for things they want or need will make them understand that the money tree in the backyard isn’t always green. But, they will also live just fine without such items, too. If they always have the latest and the greatest, they don’t learn how to be content with the things they already have.
After sneaker shopping, we had to go buy soccer cleats and football cleats. He was totally fine w/ buying the least expensive of both ($35)… kind of ironic that those two pairs of cleats added up to less than the sneakers, huh?
I dont’ think you should feel bad about it. you did make him contribute to the purchase. And you know he will use them.
You are blessed to be able to buy him such things. Many families can not do that.
your son should know how blessed he is.
We remind him EVERY day how blessed he is!! Hopefully, he’ll begin to understand that as he gets older.
I don’t think you’re stuck. You did make him pay $20 of his own money – continue this trend. As he grows older, make him contribute more of his own money towards expensive, trendy shoes. It will make him appreciate them more! Alternatively, you could agree on a set price with your husband (say, $50) that you are willing to put towards shoes. Anything above that price, your son has to meet. Again, it will help him appreciate the shoes more as he’s had to pay for part of them. I am like you – my parents would not buy me name brand shoes until my feet stopped growing. Period. I didn’t own a pair of Nikes/Adidas until I started marching band in 9th grade, so I understand the pain – wanting to fit in, etc – but now that I’m older, I can understand where my parents were coming from economically. Again, I don’t think you’re stuck – come up with a plan with your husband. In all reality, it’s a great way to teach your son about clothing costs and how we all have to plan for them! 🙂
I finally got some cool shoes (Nikes, I think) when I was a cheerleader in HS and we all had to wear the same shoes. I remember just LOVING that!
I will always purchase the shoes my children want…gives them a little confidence. Now clothes we will try to find some bargains
I like giving my children things and I try to have a “yes” attitude in our home….I don’t want to be the parents who always say no no no no no. But there is a fine line because it is our job to teach our kids that life doesn’t always go theri way and how to cope. That being said I would have done the same thing (even down to the tears when telling my husband!). It’s great that you made him chip in and he had to sacrifice something to get what he really wanted. Parenting is so darn difficult! lol
I have trouble saying no. But I don’t want to be a “yes all the time” parent either!
I love that you posted about this because I can certainly relate! My 14 y/o son just got a $100 pair of running shoes for CC and that’s just the beginning of our school shopping! He still needs everyday shoes and everything else. I definitely want him to have the best…I didn’t get that at all as a kid. That said, I am a big one for sales and deals and shop like crazy for the best bargain. I say if your son loves his shoes so much that it makes his first day of school even better, GO FOR IT! 🙂
I am A thirteen-year-old girl and I get all the best shoes for low dollars because all I have to contribute to it is $1.50. My parents love me!??? I use my puppy eyes on them too??